Six...Five...Four...Three...Two...One...Whoa.

So, as I sit here typing this blog, I am just a week shy of my 30th birthday. I've talked with some of my friends, and they have struggled with the "Big 3-0." To me, however, it's inevitable. Why fret about something you have absolutely no control over, like time? It's just not in my nature, I guess. But it does have me thinking. My life now is nothing like I planned it to be. I only have a few Type A traits, and one of those is definitely "planning." I plan how I think things will go, what I'll do if they don't go that way, and typically a second contingency plan. In the words of one of my dear heathens, "It's what I do!" Of course, since I plan on things not exactly going according to schedule, I TRY to be flexible. Sometimes I do better with this than others. Inevitably, though, right before I need to be somewhere, my pager will go off, and I'm headed out the door to help someone else, putting my plans on hold. But it's been 11 years of this...I'm used to it by now. It is because of this new found "flexibility" that I'm not stressed over "the big day." It is what it is, or rather what I make of it.

My "plan" for 30 was:
To be a Doctor of Physical Therapy.
To be married.
To have a child(ren).
To be in Wisconsin.
To love my job, and love the work I do.
To volunteer wherever I saw fit.
To travel.

My "actual" for 30:
I'm a counselor for juvenile delinquents.
I'm single.
No children (though I have been fortunate to enjoy other's children!)
Back in Illinois.
Fortunately, I do love my job (some days, it's just "okay"), and I do love the work I do (even if I rarely see the pay-off.)
I've given 11 years of service back to my community, and plan to continue doing so as long as I can.
My travels are to Wisconsin. And I think I'm okay with that!

Funny how life works out sometimes, huh? I've been blessed to be surrounded by great people who treat me well. They have made all the difference in the world. Am I where I want to be? Nope, not even close. But I think I'm happy with where I am. Afterall, without all the things I've been through, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I am forever humbled and grateful. To celebrate, I'll be headed to Las Vegas (for the first time!) in April with my friend Wendi, who's turning 40. We'll be joined by some other great friends, and I CANNOT wait! So here's to the next 30, may they be as amazing as the first!

Waiting, and waiting...

So I mentioned in my last post that I hadn't started a workout routine yet. I so totally have the commitment, but I have a slight issue. Okay, not a slight issue, a big issue...plantars warts. And lots of them. They are so gross, and have left me feeling like one huge herpes virus. Awesome, I know. I was going to post a picture but it didn't really do them justice, and I decided that the pain I feel day after day cannot be properly photographed. Actually, I'm kinda pissed that they photograph so well...because they H.U.R.T. Bad. Really bad. I'm not sure I can even describe it or compare it to anything. I will say, however, that I did not realize what was in store for me when I sought out treatment for these nasty little (err, some not so little) viruses. I saw a doctor for over two months, and she didn't produce any results. Huge waste of time and money. Luckily for me (and unluckily for her), she took a medical leave, and I was able to switch doctors. This doctor is very nice, but aggressive. Which I appreciate on days 5-7 after a treatment, but for days 1-4, he's Satan. Seriously. I've been hurt a l0t in my 29 years, but nothing, and I mean nothing, has hurt like this. It's like a nerve pain. I'll be okay, and then a spell hits me and there is nothing I can do to get comfortable. I assume this is what Restless Leg Syndrome kinda feels like. I'm sure it's entertaining to watch, but it hurts like a...well, you know. I think what is worse is that it hurts for over half the week, then gets tolerable, then he attacks again. I usually can make it out of the office before I cry, but not last week. Oh my word did it hurt! I was treated last Thursday and just stopped limping today. I really hope it's because he froze the areas for so long that he was able to make a lot of progress. If he didn't, I don't know how much more of this I can take. Last Thursday, I took 3200 milligrams of ibuprofen, and it didn't even touch the pain. Gave me one hell of a stomachache, though! He offered me pain meds, but I've never taken them and am not sure I want to now. Plus, like I said, it feels like nerve pain, so I'm not sure it'd work. I am at the point that I'd rather have my feet amputated and walk on nubs the rest of my life than finish these treatments! So sad, but so true! ARGH! I'm enjoying my time until 2:00PM Wednesday, then it starts all over again. *Sigh.*

Speechless

Have you ever received some news or a comment from someone that left you utterly speechless? It doesn't happen very often to me, but recently I received such a comment. Usually, when I hear something, even if I don't make a verbal response (say, if it's not worth hurting someone else or making them mad), I am giving a response in my head. This time, however, I had NOTHING...couldn't think, couldn't speak, and devastated. What was this news, you ask? The "W" word...WEIGHT.

I was at my yearly exam with my OB/GYN. She asked if I had any health concerns, any problems, any questions, etc. I told her I didn't. She said, "Well, I do. I'm concerned about your weight gain over the last 5 years." And rightfully so, it is ridiculous. And I know that. I'm thinking, "You're right...I have to do something. I wonder how she wants me to lose weight? Low carb? Weight Watchers?" And then she says, "I think you need to have Lap-Band surgery done." WTH? She asks if I'd ever considered it. I tell her "NO!" She babbles on about how other patients have had a lot of success...yadda, yadda, yadda. To tell you the truth, I was trying not to cry, and thinking in my head why I don't want to have this done; I had stopped listening. She sent me on my way with some pamphlets about bariatric procedures. And I made it to my car before I started crying.

(So, here are my issues with LapBanding for me:
*I have no physical ailments that prevent me from making eating and workout changes.
*I haven't had kids yet, and the thought of some foreign object being in my body while pregnant creeps me out.
*After the procedure, you have to eat a low fiber diet. Doesn't every healthy diet promote high fiber? If I recall, isn't fiber what cleans your colon? (I also have quite a family history of diverticulitis, so the low fiber thing scares me.)
*I'm not 30 yet, and I have no health issues besides allergies and asthma (lifelong.)
*There are no long-term studies of people who have had LapBanding, and I worry about possible side effects later in life (mostly due to nutritional issues and how that can affect bones, heart, etc.)

Okay, so it's no big news that I need to lose weight. Especially when you look at the pic Kate posted of me at H.'s baptism...whoa. That's not the version of me who I want K. and H. to know. Or anyone else for that matter. I have a ton of self-confidence, and that is probably one of my best assets. I refuse to change for anyone but me. I'm not ashamed to wear a bathing suit, and, in fact, spent most of my summer on a boat. I know my friends won't judge me, because I surround myself with great people. And I don't care what anyone outside of my circle of family and friends thinks about me. I like who I am, and I love food! I don't eat emotionally, I just have slow-ass metabolism (no thyroid issues, of course), and used to eat too late at night on my second shift nights. I say "used to" because on that fateful day in August, I stopped drinking pop (soda, if you will), stopped eating late, and given up fried food (not too big of a deal, because I didn't eat it that often anyway.) I also fill up on low calorie, low sugar, low fat snacks (bring on the sugar free jello!) and have increased my fluid intake immensely. It's a good thing I like water, tea and crystal light! I look at everything I'm about to put in my mouth, and ask "Is it worth it?" If it's not, I find something else. I haven't started a heavy workout routine yet, but I'll blog about that later. When I can workout, I plan on joining Weight Watchers...I want to get the most out of my money! (Yes, seriously! But I have friends who have done it, and I have the general guidelines that I've started following.)

I had often said before that I couldn't find the motivation to make the change...guess my OB knew how to help me there! I should mention, however, that I've known her my entire life, and she knows my struggles with weight. And I was able to quickly realize she only wanted to help me, even though the words hurt like a bi#$h! Thanks to some great friends, and great advice, I'm committed to making some changes. Apparently, so is my waistline...need to take in my work pants! Boo-yah!

Soul in the Season

Ummm, so I know I'm a little late, but I have had my list written for some time, but am only now getting around to blogging about it. And I kind of feel like a cheater, because I have already accomplished quite a few things on my list :). Bear with me, too, because this is my first list, and I'm hoping that it's an okay list (not too easy.) Well, here you go, Kate! You asked for it!

1. Go on the Scenic Drive with friends.
2. Plant all the mums I bought (I tend to buy new year after year!)
3. Make pumpkin cookies, and give away as many as possible.
4. One day a week, take 30 minutes to find stuff to get rid of/put in the yard sale pile.
5. Every week, set aside some money to be donated to a local food pantry/used to buy goods for such charity.
6. Get a good start on my stuff for the Thanksgiving Weekend Craft Show/Church Craft Sale.
7. Sit around a camp fire with friends.


Well, what do you think? I have already accomplished 1 and 2. For those who don't know, the Scenic Drive is an event that happens locally, in which crafters and other vendors set up booths in several different towns. It's a pretty cool thing, and not only did I go, but I went twice! Randomly, I also ran into a friend from college while there!

So far, 4 and 5 are on schedule as well. It feels really good to know that the money I save from a few fancy coffee's a week will give someone food for a meal. It also feels good to rid my space of stuff I don't need, and that someone else may get some good use out of it.

I was lucky enough to do 7 last weekend...and we had a blast!

I love fall, even though this particular fall is giving my allergies and asthma a run for their money! Even still, I'm still enjoying our somewhat mild fall. I hope you all are too!

Back to Reality

I just took a trip to Wisconsin, and had an amazing time. I got to see all my kids, and spend a lot of time with the Konopacki family preparing for H.'s baptism. It was exactly the break I needed, and there wasn't much down-time to think about anything stressful. It was a great week spent with great friends!

That being said, my first two days back have been pretty rough. Last night, we responded to a very bad accident involving some local teens. Unfortunately, one young man didn't make it. This is a terrible tragedy anytime, but in a small area where everyone knows everyone, it makes it so much harder. I just can't get the picture of his mother's face out of my head. Being as empathetic as I am, my heart was literally breaking with hers, even though I didn't know this young man that well. And his poor classmates...it's only been a little over a year since they lost yet another classmate in an accident. And I worry about our new crop of First Responders, as they went to school with him, and that it may deter them now from wanting to do the important work we do. This is exactly why I do it...because I can do it. I don't really know how to explain it, it's just something inside me that wants to help others in times of need.

Today was full of sanitizing and washing fire gear, ambulance equipment, etc. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my morning, but it has to be done. And then I get back to work. When I left for vacation, our kids were very well behaved and getting good behavior grades. Apparently last week that all went out the window. Nothing, and I mean nothing, irritates me more than having to repeat myself. (Well, that's not entirely true. People who are able to do certain things, but are unwilling to do them is another one of my pet-peeves. Ohhh, just thinking about some people I know that are like that is making my face red!) Anyway, I have this one young man who thinks his grin will get him out of everything. One of our big rules is to not manipulate, and this young man doesn't seem to care about it. We had a long discussion a few weeks ago about it, and why his behavior grade was so low because he couldn't follow it. It seems that I just wasted my breath, because he had the nerve to ask myself and two other staff members (while in my presence) the same question, to see if he'd get a different answer. By this point, I'd had enough, and sent him back to his room. His locked room.

This wasn't a big deal, and it wasn't the first time he had been sent back. At the end of the night, however, my supervisor pulls me aside and tells me that he didn't want me "yelling" at the kids when I sent them back. ***Some background info: I have never been as micromanaged in my life as I have been since I've worked here. Seriously. And it's nit-picky stuff, too. Every week the management meets, and they type up "minutes" to post, basically calling out everything they think we do wrong. It may not actually be wrong, but they prefer we do it differently. Whatever.*** Anyway, said supervisor told a kid two weeks ago, "You're acting like a f..king idiot" in front of other kids, but me raising my voice to a kid telling him to go back to his room is wrong. Oh, I see, it's a "do as I say, not as I do" situation. I totally understand why he wants me to not do so, but have an issue with it being okay for some to make up their own rules. I also understand that most of my kids shut down when voices are raised. But, quite frankly, I'd had enough. I just watched a family lose their son last night, and now I have to deal with this little punk? I just want to go back on vacation!!!!

Back to reality...this is my reality...*sigh*. Here's hoping the rest of the week goes smoothly, and the weekend is nice!

Introducing....

Hi! I think my name is going to be Jack, but I'm not too sure yet. My family is crazy...well, except for my auntie...I love her! She took like a bazillion pictures of me today! I arrived in Illinois yesterday...before that, I lived in Florida. The grass and ground are soooo much softer here! I'm 8 weeks old, and my sister and I moved to Illinois to be with our new families. Luckily, we'll only live a few blocks from each other. My first "dad", Chuck, is really good friends with my new "dad", Brad (my auntie AJ's brother) and my sister's new "dad", James. I think I'm really going to like it here!

I hope I get to meet all of you soon!

Check ya later!

On Thursday morning, I'll be headed out of town for my annual Girl's Trip. It was my year to plan, and I'm hoping we have a great time. We're headed to Sullivan, MO, and will be doing some rafting, floating, drinking and hanging out! I'm sure I'll have some pictures and stories to post later. I hope you all have a great end to your week, and a great weekend! I'll be back Sunday night! See ya!

So much to say...

So, I always think that I have nothing important to blog about, but as I made a list of things I need to blog about...well, it's a pretty long list! Thus far this summer, I've spent a lot of time with friends. Though my to-do list keeps getting longer, I think I'll keep spending time with friends. It's been a wonderful summer! My cousins have a boat, and I've spent many a Sunday on the lake with them. It might possibly be my favorite place to be. I love our lake!

In early June, I went to Milwaukee to see "my kids." I missed them terribly! The foster babies have gotten so big, and we played a lot! E. turned 5...wow! It seems like she was just born yesterday. My girly-girl wanted a makeover, and this is what she got:

Who cares that it took twice as long to take off as it did to put on? We know how to have fun!

I guess the most influential thing that has happened recently is that we had to lay off 6 people on July 1st. Add these 6 to the 3 who have left over the last year, we are down 9 staff members. Over this past winter, our numbers were so low that this change probably would have been somewhat unnoticed. However, starting about June 28th, we filled up. Nothing like having 2 open beds AND being down 9 staff. Needless to say, I have been BUSY. The paperwork and research I used to do during short breaks at work is now done at home in my free time, and in my 8 hour shifts I have to do about 12 hours of work. All of this, paired with the fact that I now also run transportation (3 of the layoffs were our transportation officers.) This means that even if I'm in the middle of doing 3 things, if a county calls to detain a kid, I (or someone else on the floor) has to leave to go get them. I'm not going to say it's been horrible, but it is hard having to say goodbye to friends. We are one big dysfunctional family, and it's hard when someone leaves (by choice or otherwise.) And I am truly exhausted at the end of every day. This is somewhat of a double-edged sword: I'm doing tons of extra running around, but my days are usually jam-packed and being exhausted all the time is really cutting into my productivity. I'm hoping my body gets used to it, because I don't foresee many changes in the near future.

Hmm...what else? Oh, my brother's fiancee and her two kids from a previous marriage moved from Florida to Illinois around the 4th of July. It's exciting to have them here, and I'm hoping that this area is good to them. I feel bad, though, that they don't really know anyone here, and that my brother is gone for about 2 weeks at a time. I've been trying to fill their days, but the exhaustion is really kicking my butt! They've been keeping my mom busy...they love her baked goods :). You know she loves to feel needed, so this is right up her alley!

One of my oldest friends just returned from her tour in Afghanistan, and a bunch of our high school group were able to get together for a cookout. We haven't remained extremely close, but we always seem to have a good time when we're together. It's funny to see where life has taken all of us, yet none of our values have changed much. We're still the same girls, but we've all had much different experiences now.

In a random addition, I have a Droid phone (which I love more than cheese...that's a lot!) I love all the apps that can be downloaded, but my current favorite is FXCamera. It allows me to take pictures with different effects, such as turning a pic into an Andy Warhol-type colorblock print. It's so much fun! My favorite effect is fisheye, and here is a sneak peak at my "FishEyeAlbum":

This is my friend Kylie...and I'm so glad she doesn't read my blog!!! I laughed at this picture until I fell asleep that night, then woke up the next morning still laughing! Yeah, it doesn't take much to entertain me!

Today, I took two of my kids from work to go help set up for Relay for Life. My cousin is the local chairperson, and I always try to help her out. I think it's important for my kids to understand the impact of service to others. And I'm never disappointed! For juvenile delinquents, they sure do like to please people! I think that most of my kids haven't been praised or thanked for much, and that was definitely apparent today. They were soaking it up! They work hard, work fast, and then thank me for taking them! Really helps lighten a bad mood!

Phew! I guess that's it for me. So sorry I've been out of touch...I've been blog-stalking all of you, just haven't had the time to comment. I know, I suck. I promise to try to get better! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Oh, and...

I can't freaking believe that Big Mike got voted off Idol before Casey....Casey can't sing that well! I enjoy his music, but if he wins this season, I'll never watch it again! Can't people hear his voice breaking when he tries to hold notes? Reality TV...a popularity contest!

May

Wow, that last post was pretty dark...I'm done with my pity-party now! It really didn't last that long, I promise! Family stuff is still, well, still crazy, but everything else is over. May has already been a crazy month, and it's not even half over! Unfortunately, we've said goodbye to many special people, some sudden and some expected. But I've also been able to welcome a lot of new babies! 2010 is apparently the year of the baby! I've been making baby gifts left and right!

A very special young lady I know received her First Communion at the beginning of the month. I turned her headpiece into a veil, and got to be the hairstylist, too! She's so sweet! I, of course, didnt' take any pictures, but will try to get one to post. She looked so pretty! And she was so excited! I'm glad she asked me to be a part of her special day!

My dear friend, Jenn, recently decided to follow her dream of opening a floral shop, and is doing so out of her home. We have always wanted to own our own shop, as I like to *arrange* flowers as well, though my talent is not nearly as polished as hers! My end of our dream shop was everything else...food, jewelry, crafts, etc. If only.....

Anyway, she lives in a small community, but they are extremely loyal people, and have blessed her with tons of business! Her first event was to be a Mother's Day sale, but as soon as she put an ad in the local paper, she began receiving orders. Luckily, there is a floral wholesaler fairly close by, so everything has worked out extremely well! She asked me to assist her for the Mother's Day sale, and we had a great time! She sold a ton of arrangements and planters. I'm so glad I could share this very important day with her!

I have 3 cousins who graduate this month...Billy from Western Illinois University, Nathan from Hamilton Technical College, and Nick from Galesburg High School. It's so exciting to see these three take such important steps in their lives...I remember changing their diapers! All three are destined for great things, and are hard workers, which will take them farther in life than most anything else.

I mentioned previously that I was planning a benefit for a friend's dad...it went extremely well! I was exhausted by the end of the week, but we raised almost $4,000 in one day! And, I just found out that he is now cancer-free! Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles...(yep, Fiddler on the Roof!)

On Sunday, my friends and I are going to see Barenaked Ladies! I can't wait! I'm not as big of a fan as my friends are, but it will be a good time! We don't get to spend much time together as adults (everyone but me has little kids), so when we do...well, let's just say we always have a good time! Don't get me wrong, I love their kids, and spend a lot of time with them too, but it's nice to have an uninterrupted conversation once in awhile!

Well, I guess that's it for me for now. To all the mothers who read my blog, I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day...you all deserve it! With some of the terrible things I see, you all gracefully show me that there's still some hope in the world. You are wonderful moms!

"Hi, I'm Captain Pissypants..."

Agitated is not the word. I just really wish that at my job all the employees had to do the same amount of work. I mean, there are 45 people who work the floor, and only 3 separations of job titles. That should mean that, even if jobs were broken up 3 ways, at least everyone in that category had to do the same amount of work. Apparently not if you're Amanda. I'm going to stop being reliable, I'm going to stop giving good advice, and I'm going to be lazy. I figure my coworkers get away with it, why can't I? I don't know if I can fully explain what I mean, so I guess you're just going to have to trust me on this one. Take, for example, our sick policy. We earn 8 sick hours a month, but my boss gives it to us at the beginning of the year. I've been employed there for 6 years, and have been maxed out of the sick time I can accrue for a little over 3 years...because I'm reliable. I rarely call in sick. I think this may change. See, at my work, all you have to do is call in and say, "I'm sick," and *poof* you have the day off. No questions asked. And some people call in sick, then are seen out in public (like, at bars and such) and still have a job. Amazing. Moral of this story: I should start calling in sick when I want a day off...and save my vacation time. I'll lose those extra 86 hours of sick time if I don't use them by the end of the year, anyway, so why not?



To top off my work frustrations, Kayla's back...again. Remember Kayla? Yeah, well not much has changed there. A bit of history on her...Kayla ran away from drug treatment, then was placed with us (ran away while on home visits several times, then was dropped from our program), placed in another local residential placement and ran away from there 2 times, then came back to us about 3 months ago. While with us, custody was taken from her grandmother (who completely and utterly enables Kayla to do whatever she wants) and given to DCFS. This is what Kayla and her entire family wanted, because DCFS was really going to help her. What do they decide to do??? Put her in yet another residential placement. Your tax dollars hard at work. And you know what? Bet you can't guess what happened? She booked after 3 hours! Who didn't see that one coming? So a warrant was issued for her arrest, and she finally returned to us today. She had the audacity to say she was going to bring charges against her DCFS caseworker for not helping her out?!?!?!?!?!?! Yep, I still want to drop kick her. When I called her grandma for info, grandma said the same thing, and added how she couldn't believe "those people" would put her granddaughter in an unsafe environment! Of course, when I offered that her 15 year old granddaughter should take some responsibility for her own poor choices...well, that fell on deaf ears. I told you...enable, enable, enable! Oh, and this 15 y/o girl claims to be 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. Yep, she already had one miscarriage, and now she thinks she's pregnant. Again, your tax dollars hard at work. I just love raising everyone else's kids!

My proverbial plate has been full lately, like one is eating buffet-style. That hasn't helped anything. I'm tired of dealing with everyone else's problems, I'm tired of helping others and getting no help in return, and, well, I'm just plain tired. Like I said before, I don't want to be reliable anymore, or solve anyone else's issues anymore. But who am I kidding...that's the life I've made for myself. I wonder what they payout is going to be? Not that I think I need to be compensated, but I was taught to treat others the way I want to be treated. So when is it my turn? When do I get to sit back and relax? Does my work for others cancel out the fact that I haven't been an active member of my church? How do I rank, say, against our ex-governor, who's so crooked he'll have to be screwed into the ground when he dies? Will his wrongs be forgiven, and we'll be on the same level? I struggle with this, as I have tried to live my life the "right" way, and others, well, not so much. Hmmm...I'm kind of an angry elf today. Like I said..."Hi, I'm Captain Pissypants!"

I'm still alive....

I'm here...just busy. I'm not sure exactly with what, but I seem to not have any free time!

*As of late, I've been busy with EMS calls....lots of EMS calls...lots of weird EMS calls. It's definitely kept me on my toes!

*I'm planning a benefit for my friend's dad...he has cancer and is receiving treatment at the Mayo Clinic. I'm hoping we can raise a decent amount of money for them, as they have to stay there for weeks at a time.

*I played in a dodge ball tournament last week...and I survived without any injuries! (It's the injury part that is supposed to be impressive!)

*I went to WI a few weeks ago, and spent some much needed quality time with some pretty special kids! I got to cuddle with some babies, and spoil my niece and nephew a ton! And knowing me, you know that's exactly what I needed!

*I participated in an alumni track meet at Carroll U...boy, was that interesting! The form was there...but the power, not so much! I got to see some great friends, however, whom I haven't seen in a very long time. Sooo worth it!

*I finished Nicholas Sparks' "The Last Song" last night...and bawled my eyes out!

*I read a book called "The Rules of Survival" a month or so ago...and it made me really appreciate my parents.

*My dear friend Jenn and I made some spring/summer wreaths for our church's reception hall...and they are sooo pretty (mostly due to Jenn...I can't make bows!)

*I'm struggling with my extended family right now. It's been a tough year thus far. I keep praying about it, but I still feel like slapping people sometimes (and it is deserved...trust me.) I've struggled with this, especially during the Easter season. I really want to be cleansed and feel renewed, but it hasn't happened just yet. And I'm not sure it will in the near future. I just pray for God's grace...as mine is gone (well, at least for this situation.)

*The lilies and irises I planted last spring are coming back full and strong...yay! I freaking love spring!

*I fell down the stairs a little over a month ago...while carrying a patient out of his house! Talk about embarrassing! We had to take him in again a few nights ago, and he said, "You're back! And you're okay!" Poor guy had been worried I'd hurt myself...I assured him it only hurt my pride!

*I watched my cousin play Donkey Basketball last night, and almost peed my pants! That was the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time!

I'm hoping everyone is well, and has had a great start to their spring. I'll post more when I have more time. Thanks for not forgetting about me ;)!

Under the Big Top

Wow...I'm soooo behind on blogging! So much has happened! I'm going to start with how I spent my New Year's....Under The Big Top!

I have a very special pal, K. He's SUPER cute! And I waited a long time for him come into my life. But he did, and he's great, and he's 1!

We celebrated with a circus-themed party, and it was a blast! K.'s dad and grandpa spent lots of hours transforming the dining room into a circus tent...and did and amazing job!

K. got lots of great presents, had lots of people around him who love him, and REALLY liked his birthay cake.

I'm so excited that I got to share this very special birthday with him! He's lots of fun, and I can't wait to watch him grow up. Auntie AJ loves you K.!

365

Daniel-

So I've lived 365 days without you...and it still sucks. It still seems so much like a dream. Like if I focus really hard, I'll wake up and you'll walk through the door. I wish...oh, how I wish that were true. I can't believe you did that to me. I always figured I'd find you dead from a car accident. I had prepared myself for that. But not this...not this way. I can't believe you made me call my brother and tell him his other best friend died. I can't believe you didn't get to meet your niece...she's awfully sweet. I'm not sure why your death has been so hard for me to accept. I think it's because I...we all thought you were invincible. Really. You cheated death so many other times, and this is what it took. I hope your demons are gone now, and you get to rest peacefully. That's all I want (well, if you really can't come back.)

I can't count how many times I almost called you this past year. You finally got Brad to move back...too bad it wasn't sooner! You were supposed to finish the drywall in the bathroom. I can't even bear to scrape the hardened mud off the floor from your last attempt. You were supposed to be here to help dad set the generator in place. I needed you when the basement flooded and we didn't have power. I needed you when the furnace went out and it was freezing cold. I needed you to take care of our bee problem. But you weren't there. I feel like I took you for granted. I knew if I called you'd be here. I relied on you soooo much. Thank you for being such a good friend...to all of us.

I hope this hurt goes away. I hope as more time passes, the pain eases. But I've hoped that for 365 days. I'll let you know when it does. I think about you all the time. I donated some money this Christmas in your name, so some little kids could get presents...just like you did for your nieces and nephews. Every time I hear the song "Daniel" I have to change the station. Well, until today, when I was stuck in a store and couldn't escape from it. Ironic, on this day of all days, I hear that song.

Wow. 365 days. I never thought one year could be so tough. I never thought losing someone would be this tough. I never thought I could cry as much as I have this past year. I will continue to pray if you promise to protect me. Make sure you're taking care of my puppy up there!

Love and miss you more than you could imagine,
Amanda