365

Daniel-

So I've lived 365 days without you...and it still sucks. It still seems so much like a dream. Like if I focus really hard, I'll wake up and you'll walk through the door. I wish...oh, how I wish that were true. I can't believe you did that to me. I always figured I'd find you dead from a car accident. I had prepared myself for that. But not this...not this way. I can't believe you made me call my brother and tell him his other best friend died. I can't believe you didn't get to meet your niece...she's awfully sweet. I'm not sure why your death has been so hard for me to accept. I think it's because I...we all thought you were invincible. Really. You cheated death so many other times, and this is what it took. I hope your demons are gone now, and you get to rest peacefully. That's all I want (well, if you really can't come back.)

I can't count how many times I almost called you this past year. You finally got Brad to move back...too bad it wasn't sooner! You were supposed to finish the drywall in the bathroom. I can't even bear to scrape the hardened mud off the floor from your last attempt. You were supposed to be here to help dad set the generator in place. I needed you when the basement flooded and we didn't have power. I needed you when the furnace went out and it was freezing cold. I needed you to take care of our bee problem. But you weren't there. I feel like I took you for granted. I knew if I called you'd be here. I relied on you soooo much. Thank you for being such a good friend...to all of us.

I hope this hurt goes away. I hope as more time passes, the pain eases. But I've hoped that for 365 days. I'll let you know when it does. I think about you all the time. I donated some money this Christmas in your name, so some little kids could get presents...just like you did for your nieces and nephews. Every time I hear the song "Daniel" I have to change the station. Well, until today, when I was stuck in a store and couldn't escape from it. Ironic, on this day of all days, I hear that song.

Wow. 365 days. I never thought one year could be so tough. I never thought losing someone would be this tough. I never thought I could cry as much as I have this past year. I will continue to pray if you promise to protect me. Make sure you're taking care of my puppy up there!

Love and miss you more than you could imagine,
Amanda