365

Daniel-

So I've lived 365 days without you...and it still sucks. It still seems so much like a dream. Like if I focus really hard, I'll wake up and you'll walk through the door. I wish...oh, how I wish that were true. I can't believe you did that to me. I always figured I'd find you dead from a car accident. I had prepared myself for that. But not this...not this way. I can't believe you made me call my brother and tell him his other best friend died. I can't believe you didn't get to meet your niece...she's awfully sweet. I'm not sure why your death has been so hard for me to accept. I think it's because I...we all thought you were invincible. Really. You cheated death so many other times, and this is what it took. I hope your demons are gone now, and you get to rest peacefully. That's all I want (well, if you really can't come back.)

I can't count how many times I almost called you this past year. You finally got Brad to move back...too bad it wasn't sooner! You were supposed to finish the drywall in the bathroom. I can't even bear to scrape the hardened mud off the floor from your last attempt. You were supposed to be here to help dad set the generator in place. I needed you when the basement flooded and we didn't have power. I needed you when the furnace went out and it was freezing cold. I needed you to take care of our bee problem. But you weren't there. I feel like I took you for granted. I knew if I called you'd be here. I relied on you soooo much. Thank you for being such a good friend...to all of us.

I hope this hurt goes away. I hope as more time passes, the pain eases. But I've hoped that for 365 days. I'll let you know when it does. I think about you all the time. I donated some money this Christmas in your name, so some little kids could get presents...just like you did for your nieces and nephews. Every time I hear the song "Daniel" I have to change the station. Well, until today, when I was stuck in a store and couldn't escape from it. Ironic, on this day of all days, I hear that song.

Wow. 365 days. I never thought one year could be so tough. I never thought losing someone would be this tough. I never thought I could cry as much as I have this past year. I will continue to pray if you promise to protect me. Make sure you're taking care of my puppy up there!

Love and miss you more than you could imagine,
Amanda

Amanda's Thanks(less)giving

I guess I should start by saying that I've been quite irritable lately. I'm not sure why. And I'm not sure if I'm really that irritable, or just usually so passive that it seems like a big change. Anyway, though I wanted to be excited about Thanksgiving, I wasn't, as I knew it would just be chaos...and it was.

The entire week of Thanksgiving is always when I finish up my crafting projects for a craft show I'm in Thanksgiving weekend. So I stayed up way too late and got up way too early every day to work on my stuff. I should learn to take some time off work so I can have ample time to do this, but I never do! (Side note...craft show was amazing! I sold almost everything!)

So going into Thanksgiving Day, I was tired not really ready to deal with my family. We only celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. She is one of seven children, and her mother grew up during the Depression. And they're all a bit crazy. I know you always have some craziness in every family, but my family takes the cake, especially when in a group. My grandmother's mobility has really failed in the last year. She is such an independent person that I knew this would be an issue...and it was. My cousin and I mashed the potatoes, and I made the gravy. My grandma was yelling at my Aunt D., because she can't do anything the "right way"...aka "Grandma's way." Aunt D. got very defensive and left the kitchen crying at one point. My Aunt C. lives a fair distance away, and came home for the week prior to Thanksgiving. She's got some pretty major issues and gets to things in her own time, which, unfortunately, is a few hours later than they needed to be done. Another argument from grandma. My Aunt L. is, well, she's a b!%@&! I can't stand looking at her face. And she mouthed off to her hairdresser (who happens to be a family friend...idiot!) about how terrible my family is to her and blah, blah, blah. Oh, and she did absolutely nothing to help on Thanksgiving Day. I have a 13 year old cousin who is extremely socially awkward and follows me around...everywhere. It used to be cute, but now it's super annoying. I try to give her advice, but she doesn't care. Oh, and she doesn't much care about hygiene, either. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but sometimes they're too much to handle.

So I was really looking forward to Saturday, when I got to go back up to see all of them for grandma's 80th Birthday Party! And, true to form, it wasn't without argument. (Note: Here I feel I should mention that I have some OCD issues. Not with everything, just with some things. One of which is party setup.) I am used to setting up for these things by myself, and asking other people to do specific tasks. I am also used to preparing/serving food to large groups of people, as I do it weekly at work. So I get to the party venue, and stuff is set up weird and not very practically. I made some logical suggestions, such as moving the coffee pot and pot of apple cider into the other room where all the other drinks were, instead of having them on the side of the cake table where no one could access them. Shot down, complete with yelling from Aunt D. I then tried to tell her that we had to move the pots, as we were going to trip the breakers...shot down again. The morning continued in this fashion...being yelled at by Aunt D., then her following me around asking if I was mad. Whatever.

We were all supposed to be back at the venue by 12:30 PM (party at 2). Aunt C. had most of the supplies, but failed to show until 1:50 PM. Like I said, everything in her own time. Sure enough, when we went to plug in the roasters and coffee pots, guess what happened? Tripping circuits like crazy, and just like I had predicted and suggested to change that morning. God forbid they listen to someone who DOES THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME! Nope, still wasn't a good idea until my Cousin A. suggested we move some stuff. It's not really something to be that pissed about, but I was. Nothing like being slapped in the face by your own family! I guess the important thing is that my Grandma had a good time, and I got to hang out with my extended family, who I love.

So, since my family didn't care to ask, I'll post it here:

This year has been rough. Really rough. But also very blessed. I am thankful for the friends and family who have supported me, even when I'm a bear to be around. I'm thankful for the new friends I've made, and for friendships that have grown much stronger. I'm thankful that I have friends who will take time out of their busy lives to listen to me rant and rave every once in a while ;). I am thankful that God has given me so much in my life to be thankful for. I'm thankful He still chooses to listen to me and show me my path in life.

So as we enter this Christmas season, I hope to remember the "Reason for the Season." Sometimes I get wrapped up in all the activities of the season and lose track of what is really important. Here's wishing you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Thanks for being the wonderful people you are!

Halloween

It's been a long time since I've dressed up or gone out for Halloween. Usually, I have to work, so it makes it kind of tough. Not this year, however. My friend Julie's sister, Emily, got married this past weekend. We threw her a bachelorette party on Halloween. When Julie first asked me about this, I said "Ohhh, we should dress up like her bridesmaids! How fun would that be!" Fun it was! This group of girls are a blast anyway, but it was so much fun to do this on Halloween! Here we are in all our glory....

My friend Lisa was hell-bent on being a dead bridesmaid. Lisa, I believe, has ADHD, and is not the best listener. I tried telling her that no one else would be dressed that way, but she didn't listen. Then, when we got to the party, she was upset she was the only zombie...duh! They kept telling me I was too pretty to be in their group. Their dresses came from Goodwill, mine was from my friend Jenn's wedding a few years ago. I didn't need to buy one, I have a ton! They tried teasing my hair more, but I had put so much hair spray in it, I ended up with one MASSIVE knot of hair! That was super fun to comb through!

The only downfall was that I couldn't drink. I had been sick for the better part of two weeks, and had just finished taking my steroids and antibiotics that morning. I'm a good girl like that, I follow the rules! I still had a blast, though. And I'm pretty sure I got a marriage proposal from and older African American gentleman at the last bar we stopped at. Do I know how to draw a crowd or what?!?!?!

I also got to see Cavo, Theory of a Deadman and Daughtry the weekend before Halloween. AMAZING! I don't know what else to say about it! The tickets were the cheapest I've ever gotten (less than $40 after taxes and surcharges!) I don't know what I expected, but only really went to see Theory. Little did I know I'd end up loving ALL of it! I went with a big group of friends, and we all had a blast. But that was the start of my illness, so I wasn't feeling the greatest, and was the day after I got some bad news about my pal Chance, so I wasn't in the best of moods at first. I'm glad my girls pulled me out of my funk! I ended up having an asthma episode (not really an attack, got control of it very quickly), but it was scary as I haven't had those kinds of asthma symptoms for a very long time...I forgot how much they sucked. But I stopped by the fire station on my way home and gave myself a breathing treatment to get through the night; I promptly called the doctor the next day and got steroids, tussionex, and an antibiotic. All three are amazing!

I've been super busy lately with random fire and rescue calls. It was so slow for quite a while, but now we're making up for lost time. I guess that's my life as of late. Now, I'm just trying to get ready for our hunting season guests and prepare for a holiday craft show I'm in. I always wait until the last minute ;).

Wow...time flies!

I just realized that it's almost been a month since my last blog. Wow...time flies when you're having fun! Well, it wasn't all fun, but a lot of it was. Shortly after my last blog, we had a house fire down the street from my house. Fires are always tragic, but this one was especially disturbing. The family who lived in the house lost their oldest son two years ago in Iraq. They'd never owned a home or decent car, and in his will, that is what his insurance money was to go to...new cars for his parents and siblings, and to build a new house. Well, they did both, got screwed by the contractor, lost all their money, and were slowly finishing the house themselves. All the family but the dad were in Washington DC accepting an award in honor of Dan, and somehow a fire broke out in the garage (where all of Dan's things were from Iraq and the Army Base in Utah.) Luckily, the fire was extinguished pretty quickly, but as all of you know, almost everything is harmed in a fire. Between smoke and water damage, I'm not sure what, if anything, was salvageable. We were able to get Dan's medals and the flag that was on his casket out unharmed, but not much else. The house, I'm sure, is a total loss, though from the front it doesn't look that bad. But the fire had spread to the basement, compromising the structure. This same day was a friend's wedding and my 10 year class reunion. I missed the first round of firefighting, but was there when we were called back out just after midnight.

My class reunion was interesting, to say the least. For a small school, my class was kinda weird. We had some definite divisions, but no real "packs." I don't know if I can adequately describe it. I, for one, was a group jumper...I didn't hang out with just one group of people. I'm pretty sure it was because I was easily annoyed, so it was better for me to not be around the same people all the time. I also had a lot more responsibility than most of my classmates, and found their antics immature at times. Not that I didn't act immaturely at times, but they were few and far between. Anyway, I have probably one core group of people I've kept in contact with over the years. We try to get together once or twice a year, and it's always a good time. Thanks to Facebook, it's easy to stay informed on what others are doing. The classmates who showed to the reunion were exactly who I expected to see, but I wish more people I don't often see would have been there. I lost track of some people I really cared about, and haven't been able to reconnect with. I've also decided I must have selective memory, because people were telling stories and I had no idea what they were talking about! And I was a part of the story! High school wasn't much fun for me...I shouldn't say that, but a lot of bad things happened, and I unfortunately have more bad memories than good. I'm envious of people who are still close with HS friends, because I wish I was...they're good people.

I've been in a cleaning/pitching crap frenzy for about a month. I emptied our storage room, went through everything, sorted, repacked and put things away in a much more organized manner. During this time, I found several bins of clothes that were Goodwill bound years ago, and somehow got packed away. I gave some to my pal Ali, who is close to my size, and doesn't have a ton of money for clothes. She was so grateful! And I was happy for the free space! I still have a couple loads of stuff for Goodwill, but am glad Ali got use out of the stuff I gave her. I've still got a few more rooms to go, but have made amazing progress. I finally put out my fall/Halloween decorations also, so right now I'm feeling really great about my progress...well, in control at least!

I went to WI for a week in the beginning of the month. I was only planning on going for a few days, but had to go up a little early for a funeral. Chance's (the autistic boy I used to take care of) great grandmother passed away. I have always felt like a part of their family, and they have done so much for me over the years. When I found out Mimi died, I was heartbroken for those kids. She hadn't really been sick, fell ill late on a Sunday night and was gone by Wednesday. She had a blood clot that had been near her heart dislodge and relocate close to her intestines. It did a ton of damage before they found it (as she had other weird symptoms they were trying to figure out.) She was in renal failure, but they tried to put in a stint to help restore the bloodflow. It didn't work, and the dye they used shut her kidneys down. I'm glad she went fast, as her husband passed away last December and had been sick for over 2 years. She went fast and only had a few bad days.

Chance's aunt, Jenni, is the one who has decided to do foster care/foster-to-adopt. So that means I got to play with the babies for most of the week! She has N., who is a 3 month-old male, and T., who is a 4 month-old female. They are SUPER cute! I have pictures, but am not sure the legality of posting them here due to them being in foster care. Kate, Em and Gail, I'll send you an email. Unfortunately, the babies were both not feeling well most of the time I was there. We had to make some formula adjustments, but now things are much better. But I changed A LOT of nasty diapers! Loose stools = tons of diaper and outfit changes! Do I know how to pick em' or what!!!!

I also got to hang out with E. and D. They are getting so big! D. talked my ear off, explaining how everything he saw worked. Wow. He knows way too much! And E., well E.'s just too sweet. She's so funny! I don't remember what she said, but it was something really ditzy. I looked at her and said, "E., it's a good thing you're cute!" She looked at me with a big smile and said "Thanks, AJ!" Wow, to be four again! I went Goodwill shopping for both of them, and found tons of stuff! They both grow so stinking fast that they don't stay in sizes too long. E. is already wearing 5's, and will probably be in a 6 by the first of the year. She doesn't need it in the waist, she's just got a long body. Long arms, long legs, long torso! We had a great weekend!

Oh, and my big news...*Kayla* is gone! She was placed in another residential placement! Woo hoo!!!!! That's horrible to say, but she was really on my last nerve. She had a new medical "problem" every day. She was creating more girl drama. She was being a bitch to everyone. I hope that she learns something at her new placement. I think she was scared to go, and I even think she thought the judge would let her go home! Yeah, I don't get it. She needs to successfully complete some program. She failed with us and she failed at rehab. Hopefully this place is far enough away from home that she can finally focus on herself. She literally wore me out! So now I've taken a breather and am ready to get back at it!

Well, I guess that's it for me. Sorry it's been so long since my last post. Just busy, I guess. And I needed to get that cleaning done! I hope that everyone is doing well, and here's hoping the next few days will be a bit warmer as the weatherman has said...I've got stuff to plant before hard frost! Take care and have a great weekend!