So, sometimes I wonder just how much we can handle. And sometimes I wonder why we're tested. I know I won't get an "answer", per se, but I'm hoping that I have some enlightening moment soon. In the last few days, I have essentially been called worthless by the parents of two of the kids at work. And I know they're frustrated and taking it out on me. But that word is one of the few that gets under my skin. You can call me fat, or stupid, or ugly or any derogatory name you can think of. Being a big girl my whole life, I'm kinda used to just letting it slide. But don't call me worthless!!! I would never think of calling anyone that. Like their life didn't matter. Really? Really, you're going to say that to my face? Hmmm...what does that say about your character? But I'm wondering what I'm supposed to learn from this. Am I to learn to be more patient? Is there really something wrong with how I counsel kids? Do I just need to stop answering the phone, so I don't have to listen to bitchy parents?
Today was a day from hell. Literally. It started with a 7:15AM phone call from said bitchy parent. Not exactly how I wanted to start my day--pissed off (red face, rapid heart rate...the whole nine yards!) But I rolled with it. Made it through breakfast without any further issues. Went to a meeting, which also went smoothly. Then, well then, my day hit the proverbial fan. I had to wrestle with one kid and yell at another for not following my instructions the 1, 2, or 3rd time. I then had to take *Kayla* (the one from my April/May ranting) to the child advocacy center for an interview with the state police. I'm still not sure what I feel about this. It has something to do with inappropriate behavior of male adults, but she consented. However, due to ages, the offenders will probably be prosecuted. I feel bad for her because she was kinda taken advantage of (kinda not, though), but am pissed that my 7 months worth of counseling did not phase her a bit! I've been talking about protecting herself and not being around these kinds of people (who happen to be the same ones she claimed raped her earlier this year but she didn't want to press charges), and she obviously doesn't care...so why should I? Anyway, while talking to the officer, she disclosed some illegal activity her family is into. Then I remember she's only 14, and lived a much harder life than I can imagine, and no one has protected her. And then I feel like shit for being pissed at her.
In dealing with the aftermath of this interview, I was late leaving work. While on the way home, I called a coworker and was venting and my dad kept calling me. I don't like to switch over the call waiting, as I think it is rude. Unless, obviously, the call seems out of place like something is wrong. I just figured he wanted to know if I'd be there for dinner, so I ignored him. After his 4 time beeping in, I finally switched over. All pissy-like, I said "HELLO?," and he asked when I'd be home. I told him I'd be there in a few minutes. He said "Okay, see you in a few." Really, I clicked over on a friend for that??? Whatever.
When I pulled into the driveway, I saw my mom's car was still home and I knew something was wrong. My dad met me outside, and I asked what was wrong. He told me that my doggy, Butch, passed away about an hour before I got home from work. Shitty end to a shitty day. He was fine when I left for work, and even gave me a "high 5" before I left. He ate his breakfast and was okay until about noon. Then he started having trouble breathing and moving around. And he was gone before 3. I feel weird being upset, as I think others feel "he was just a dog." But I seek comfort in other dog lovers, as they know how much more than "just a dog" they become. Butch was my pal, my alarm clock, my meal-finisher, my therapist, my workout, my constant. I really thought he was going to pass away about 6 months ago, but he just kept going. I'm happy he's okay now (his legs/hips were really bad) and I'm happy he went fast. But I'm really going to miss him. We decided to have him cremated, which may also seem a bit crazy. We want to spread his ashes in the "forest," as mushroom hunting was his favorite thing. And he'll be cremated with his blanket and beanie baby duck, the only toy he really cared about.
What a f*#%ing day! I don't even want a do-over...just want to forget that it happened.
Here's one of the last pictures I took of him. He was sleeping, but he was making this funny face:
3 comments:
Oh hon, I am so sorry. Reading this has brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your crappy day and for the loss of Butch. I know how much he meant to you. And you know I'm one that does not beleive in the "just a dog" bit. He was family. He will be forever missed.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! Love you!
I wonder that too - I mean, they say that the good Lord never gives us more burden than we can bear but, man! Sometimes, I wonder just how much more I can take too.
Aw, Amanda, I'm so sorry about Butch. I know he was a good friend to you and he will be missed.
My brother had a black lab, Precious, closest I ever had to a pet, and her little urn sits on a shelf in their family room with her collar and her tags. Everytime I see it, I think of what a great dog she was, and all the good memories of her. I hope the same rings true for you with Butch.
I'm thinking of you and I'm praying for you too...and for peace for Butch.
I'm so sorry to hear about Butch, Amanda. I know how much my dogs have always meant to me, and losing one is like losing a friend. *Hugs*
As for the rest of your sh!tty day, gah! Seriously, I don't know how you do it. I know that I struggle a lot with some of those same questions, though (in general). What is this crappy stuff that is happening to me trying to teach me? What am I supposed to get out of this? It can be so frustrating waiting for those answers, but I'll be praying that you get some soon. Whether it continues to be this job or something else, I just wish you peace and at least *somewhat* of a sense of fulfillment. Despite the backlash (because what the parents have said to you--the "worthless" comment IS truly just that...backlash without anything concrete behind it) that comes along with your job, I hope that you know that you are touching lives and providing a service that VERY FEW people in this world could handle. Even though you have a lot of sucky days, I hope that you can get a little bit of satisfaction knowing that you're stronger than the vast majority of us. :) Take care, my dear!
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