Pseudo-Answers

Earlier this year, I wrote about what might have been the worst day of my life thus far. It was a day in which two people I knew very well passed away. This has been somewhat hard for me to accept. Normally, I am the one who can justify death pretty easily to myself. I have a weird relationship with death...I've lost so many family members and friends that it's just kind of ingrained, I guess. With these two young men passing away, they are the 10th and 11th people that I physically went to school with who have passed away...and my high school had less than 250 people. Very weird for such a small community.

A few days ago, I got an email from D.'s mom, in which she told me what was in his coroner's report. I had heard many rumors, but it felt better to know what was in his system. Unfortunately, it doesn't really make too much sense. Her assumption (which was the coroner's as well) is that someone lied to D. and gave him the wrong thing. Or, whatever he was given was tainted. This was the answer I was hoping for, in a way, that someone else was also to blame. I know it was his fault for taking the drugs, but all along I've been hoping he didn't know what was in them. I really thought when I got this report that it would somehow give me clarity, but it hasn't. At all. Now I just have a whole new book of questions that need answers, but I doubt I'll ever get them. I just have to find a way to make that answer be enough.

I called him the other day...on accident. My cell's contact list goes "Dad cell, D. cell..." I meant to call my dad, but hit D.'s name instead. I cried for the rest of the night. D. rescued me so many times...who am I going to call now? Who's going to get my spare set of keys from my house when I lock the others in my car? Who's going to let the dog out if I have to work overtime? Who's going to help me? Who's going to make me laugh? I'm so tired of this feeling of sadness, but I can't shake this one. This one hurt way too much. Here's hoping I can make some sense of this soon.