A Punch in the Gut

That's how I'd describe my last two weeks. Literally, a punch in the gut. More like punches. Just when you think they're over, one comes out of nowhere. Where to start....

Well, a few weeks ago, I woke up at 6:58 AM when I was supposed to be at work at 7 AM. Great start, right? While at work, we completely lost power. Our building is set up to lose phases of power depending on the incident, and of course, we have a generator. It kind of hinders what we can do, but we have heat and lights, so we can survive. Anyway, when we went to explore, the nearest transformer had blown. And when I say blown, I mean pieces flew like 30 feet from the pole! Crazy! I then went to my friend Brenna's house to print her wedding invitations, and the printer would not work. I putzed with it for 30 minutes...no luck. I went home, grabbed a snack and kicked back in the chair for a little nap, when all of a sudden, my world changed.

Now I realize that I don't have to volunteer, but I love it. I love firefighting and I love EMS. They complete me. But I have never, ever, hated them more than I did on this day. My pager went off, dispatching me to a call for a man not breathing. I hate, HATE CPR. I've known how to do it for a very long time, and have done it countless times, yet hate it just the same. So, I kind of wasted time at home, hoping someone else would respond before me. No luck. The roads were horrible and drifting shut. When we arrived, I was told we needed to get permission from the hospital to withold CPR. As I was getting ready to call, I asked who the person was. (This is when the world around me comes crashing down.) I hear the name I am not expecting, the name I don't really believe. It can't be D. It just can't be. I can't tell my parents one of their other "kids" is dead...again. I can't call my brother and tell him his best friend is dead. I just can't. It'll break him...it almost did last time. He's too young to go through this...again.

So, I compose myself. Well, the best I can, anyway. And I find my parents. I know I'm not supposed to tell them yet, but I do. I can't keep it to myself. And I can't stop crying. And then I hear that there is another kid dead. B.'s only 19, he can't be dead too? I used to babysit him. I walked to his house when he was in kindergarten and got on the bus with him because he was scared. He can't be gone too! And so it begins. In a small town, you can't escape rumors. I just hope none ever come my way, because I don't know how I'll handle that. Well, I know, and I fear it.

Then, this past week, one of my dearest friends lost her mother in an accident. She was being a good person, and stopped to help some young girls who were in an accident, and she was electrocuted. Really. How do these things keep happening? And to good people. I have faith...lots of faith. It's what keeps me whole. But I'm not gonna lie, these past two weeks have really tested my faith. I keep telling myself that there has to be a reason, but I can't rationalize that right now. I just keep thinking about a Bible verse from the book of Romans:
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

This has been my mantra for a long time. I find it applicable in good times and in bad. I try to live by this verse, knowing that all the trials I face, I do so for a reason. And the reason varies. But all things, good and bad, shape me into the person I am.

I've reflected a lot over the past few weeks. I've really looked at the person I am, and the person I want to be. I want to have more of D.'s spirit. He took care of everyone else before himself. I give a lot, but am also very selfish at times. D. would drop everything to help me, and I need to try to do the same, instead of trying to get out of things. And my friend's mom was just an all-around amazing person. That's what I hope people can say about me one day. So I hope to do things to honor her every day...be thankful for what I have, do simple things to help others, and give to those who need it. I think I do these things, but can do them more often and more whole-heartedly.

So that, in a nutshell, has been my fragile life for the past few weeks. Please don't think it's all been sad. I got to spend a lot of time with my little bro, his girlfriend and lots of friends. We had a lot of good times, but it's going to take a while for this pain to go away. Most of you already know about most of this, and have sent me some great messages. I thank you for that. My friend, Kate, who I think has ESP (as she called and sent pics of K. at the times I needed them the most), has always been my saving grace. I've said that over and over again, but she is just amazing. And she's letting me invade her house in a few weeks! I can't wait to see K. and my BFF Maia again! I'm not sure she knows what she's in for, but it's just the break I've been waiting for. I always talk about WI...how amazing it is, how beautiful it is, etc. I guess I'm the only one who knows the magic it holds for me...but it's my peace, and I can't wait to be reunited with it again.